Today I had the pleasure and honour to join Sonia Deol on BBC Radio Asian Network. We discussed many aspects of divorce and answered listeners questions.
Divorce and the emotions involved do not choose a culture or a colour, these are heartfelt emotions felt by everyone. There was some fantastic feedback on my Twitter wall -
Jackie Walker The Divorce Coach On Air
I will post the link to the iPlayer version of the show when I have it to hand.
Posted in Divorce Advice, Divorce and Family, Divorce and Relationships, Inspiring through Divorce, Makeup or Breakup, divorce | Tagged divorce coach, jackie walker | Leave a Comment »
“Oh heck – here they are again”, is what goes through many parents minds when holidays are mentioned, isn’t it! How to juggle kids and work and keep everyone happy. We divorcees are no different – or are we!?
Well, a lot depends on what kind of childcare arrangements are in place and what has been agreed about holidays. I know some folk who see their kids just for 2 weeks in the summer and the rest of the time the parent with care is in charge of all the juggling, out of hours care, day camps, sending to grandparents, and other family members. Other families have a very open door and flexible policy. Others have a rigid structure. There’s no right or wrong. But there’re bound to be useful ideas for us all to share!
From the outset in my own situation, we agreed that holidays would be split 50/50 – and in the most part that seems to work, EXCEPT when I think about it.
So I’ve been thinking today, hence the blog! Four weeks with each parent and only telephone contact in between – it’s a long time isn’t it? Last night at 9.46pm (roughly) I said good bye to my daughters after their end of term concert until I see them again at the end of July. I’ve learned to control my emotions now after 5 years and can do it with great equanimity and with a smile and joke – it seems to keep everyone happy … until I get in my car with the knowing that I have 4 whole weeks to do whatever I want, with whoever I want and however I want, or I can be lonely and purposeless – and for a while I feel a bit lost, not knowing which of the two to choose.
Sometimes that kind of freedom is scary – when did you last have 4 weeks completely to yourself? What did you do with it? Did you think – ‘brilliant I can knuckle down to some serious work now’, or did you think up some adventures to go on?
It’s highly unusual for couples still together to understand this sense of either emptiness or gay abandon – and very often they are jealous of what they perceive the freedom to be. I can fully appreciate their thought process – and I now take full advantage of my ‘alone’ time. But it wasn’t always that way – even a day or two was strange to begin with – and then a week loomed into focus and then four whole weeks.
The worst bit is that I know my kids will expect me to take my holidays to coincide with theirs so little chance of gadding off alone for a month! Work still has to play a huge part during my ‘free’ time – how do you deal with it?
Posted in Divorce Advice, Divorce and Family | Tagged childcare arrangements, children and divorce, school holidays, split families | Leave a Comment »
I like to wonder out loud and I like to get an understanding of how other people work – I think we’re just complicated systems, a bit like a computer with different software programmes, hardware etc.
This morning when I was out walking the dog, the thought came to me – as they usually do at that time in the morning, do you find thoughts coming to you at the same times every day? Anyway, there I was walking through the fields, all quiet and peaceful and suddenly, out of nowhere came this strange thought
‘Do people view their love life in the same way as they look at their business and what would happen if they did?’
Now, bearing in mind the work I do, I tend to spend time with people who are short on love. Well they’re not actually, it’s just the love of a significant other and often that’s half the problem – there’s so much more to love than one significant person isn’t there – you’ve got friends, children, family, yourself, God/universe/spirit (whatever you like to call it). But most folk really want and need a significant other in their lives and that’s for all sorts of reasons, part of which is being human!
I question how we look at that significant other though – if we take the opportunity to view our relationships in the same context as business -
If you let that rumble around for a wee while then take a minute or an hour and think about your relationship – past, present or future – what do you do that can be improved? What training do you need to be a better partner?
Posted in Divorce and Relationships, Inspiring through Divorce, Makeup or Breakup | Tagged business basics, relationships, what's love got to do with it | Leave a Comment »
There are times in life when it feels like we’re entering into an Alice in Wonderland scene – we haven’t got a clue what’s going on around us, everything seems to be topsy turvy, everything has taken on a new meaning and nothing looks like it should – does that strike a chord or maybe you can close your eyes and just picture what I’m saying and how it is relevant in your own life.
It’s a very unsettling and generally uncomfortable place to be, we’re used to 1 + 1 making 2 and suddenly even the maths don’t add up. Whatever you believe or think, there’s a counter argument and case for it. It pushes you to go along new paths which you just might not have wanted to.
This weekend the sun shone – at last, I might add. My dog, Miga – she’s a blonde 10 year old labrador, and I went for a walk on Saturday – we made it a long walk as I was trying to save petrol and needed to get some things from the shops. Having made it to the shops I was disheartened to find that they didn’t have what I needed. Rather than dwelling on my disappointment at not being able to make what I’d planned for dinner, Miga and I set off back along our tracks for home. Only I decided that I could take the opportunity to go home a different way – one I’d never seen before.
At the bottom of the steps, there was a doorway (no door) to a path running alongside the river and it looked so inviting and it looked like it was headed in the right direction – after 10 minutes, the path stopped abruptly. We had no choice but to retrace our steps back to the door, and when nearly there, I found another path, slightly higher up the hill and so we took that one – it ran in parallel to the first one, and was well laid out, with edges – wey hey, this is going the right way and we continued walking.
We came across a huge tree which had fallen over the path and there was nothing for it but to clamber up on top – I used the ivy like a stirrup and swung my leg over like mounting a horse – and on we wandered. A bit further along, there was another huge tree and once again we had to negotiate our way up and over. Just a few steps later and I was amazed, the path stopped – just stopped.
Now I could think that it went nowhere, but it did go somewhere it just didn’t go where I expected it to! And it also didn’t go to somewhere I thought was particularly useful. Long and short – we had to retrace our steps again, although half way along the return journey I found another path with steps which took me up and out and onto the main road.
Everything you do and everywhere you go adds to your knowledge, it helps you make the next decision. If you are in don’t know land, it’s ok to start exploring your options, it’s ok to follow things and find they are a dead end, it’s ok to retrace your steps. If you only stick to the way you know, you’ll never find out how many other ways there are, nor get to do things just because.
Sometimes practising this is a bit of a challenge – so set yourself a goal to go for a walk, not knowing where you’re going when you set out. Only when you reach each turning or crossroads or dead end, make a decision as to whether to continue straight on, turn left, right or retrace. Practising not having a known outcome can be very liberating and gives you an enormous sense of fun, exploration and achievement as the newness of what you’re doing seeps in and allows you to relax into not needing to know everything.
Posted in Inspiring through Divorce, divorce | Tagged Alice in Wonderland, dead end, don't know, steps | Leave a Comment »
I consider myself lucky to still have kids young enough to enjoy the Disney/Pixar etc films because it gives me an excuse to settle down and get the ‘other’ message which is so often running through them.
If you haven’t seen Horton hears a Who, it’s well worth investing a fiver to go and see it – whatever age you are! Horton questions the very meaning of existence – what if we are just a speck. What if there is something much bigger than us which makes a difference to our world. Horton is the big thing and he goes out of his way to save the speck world from disaster – coming up against all sorts of dangers and evils on his way.
My daughter asked me which bit I liked best and I could instantly identify two key bits
- when he crosses a rickety rope bridge and has to adopt two new strategies – one fill himself with air (it nearly worked but he ran out of breath) and then the second – he kept looking up and out because to look down all he could see was inevitable disaster. When he reaches the other side in one piece he does a dance because he’s feeling so happy – and then he wonders to himself if it’s because he now has a purpose.
- when he steadfastly sticks to his truth even against the onslaught of the whole jungle. As always is the case in these films, the ending is perfect – all the other animals suddenly heard what he heard and he was free. The really nice touch was that he held no grudge against the main perpetrator of his near downfall and understood that she was only doing the best she could with what she believed to be true.
Horton taught much of what I teach – how to believe in yourself, finding those who do believe in you, to have a purpose, to question your reality, and lastly you are never too big or too small to learn how to do something new even if it seems like climbing Everest just now.
Posted in Divorce and Family, Inspiring through Divorce, divorce | Tagged believe, Horton, trust, truth | Leave a Comment »
Imagine if you viewed your relationship with your partner differently. Try these on for size :
What difference would that make to the way you communicated, the way you held them, the way you behaved. What sense of achievement would you have when instead of blaming and shaming you took responsibility for your job.
Could you for the next week see what happens if you were to use these ways of being – it could seem very strange to begin with for many. And I have no doubt that if you don’t share what you’re doing with your partner, then you might get some strange looks as you for example tell her what a great cook she is, how wonderful she looks at 7am and how you love her laugh, and when she gives you a big hug. What else could you say to help her feel empowered and not belittled, to feel plumped up and not drained. What if you didn’t rule the roost and recognised that the roost is only what you both make of it, not one of you.
What your bloke’s reaction will be when you give him a genuine hug and kiss when you first see each other in the evening. What if you weren’t to know it all and allowed him an opinion? Would he find it strange if you asked questions of his day and told him how proud you were of him just for being him. What else could you do or say to let him know how much you support him in all ways – physically, mentally and emotionally.
If these sound like they’re just too out there, maybe you need to ask yourself why. Believe it or not for some people, hearing these positive messages being given to them is very, very challenging and they don’t believe it and think that you’re taking the mick. For others they feel that they’d be totally embarrassed to say ‘soppy’ things – it doesn’t have to be soppy but you do have to find a genuine way of appreciating and telling the truth. Some people feel they have never been empowered or supported and don’t quite know whether to trust it or not. They have barriers up and they want to stay safe behind them – these barriers are the cause of the inability to relate fully and give and receive safely.
No wonder divorce rates are high – someone’s not doing their job properly. If it isn’t equal and they aren’t giving to each other then the see-saw stops see-sawing when one doesn’t want to play anymore and jumps off. And d’you know it can even be that the one who isn’t giving is made uncomfortable by the one who is because they feel guilty and not worthy of receiving, or they feel that they deserve to be treated badly and don’t understand why they aren’t.
Most of this is pretty obvious isn’t it – however how many of us actually put it into practice? We get very caught up in the rush of everyday life to remember what’s really important. We forget to remember to empower and support, to ask questions to get the real reasons for arguments, for feeling miserable, for not having time for one another.
It all starts with you, your attitude and your honesty. You can change many things, but not someone else – the rider to that is that the more you change, the more they change too!
Posted in Divorce Advice, Divorce and Relationships, Inspiring through Divorce, Makeup or Breakup | Tagged barriers, give and take, relationship breakdown, seesaw | 2 Comments »
Divorce is caused by relationship breakdown and that is most often caused by the inability of couples to relate with one another. The relationship ceases to exist the minute one or both parties stop relating. What is relating – it is being open and communicative, it is holding respect and understanding for the other person, it is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not hiding your fears or your love. It is being truly honest and you without fear of recrimination or judgement.
There are some marriages which were never destined to last the pace because one or both failed from the outset to be totally honest with themselves and the person they were marrying. It takes a great deal of courage to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable – to drop your guard, to move on from the fear of what the other person might think of you.
You have to be selfish to enter into a successful marriage or partnership. True selfishness means knowing what and who is right or wrong for you, it is knowing what it is about another person you really find a challenge, it is knowing what it is that you are hiding from them. For example, the times:
So often we shut down on feelings and emotions and what we are really doing is shutting our own self out – our own rights to be proud of who we are in order to fit into what we think someone else wants. The problem is that most of the time that’s just an assumption – have you ever taken the time to ask? You know in Bridget Jones – Edge of Reason, Mr Darcy loved her even more because of what she perceived to be flaws, and she assumed that they were the very things she had to change to have any chance of him loving her. We do make up such silly nonsenses don’t we!
Say you did remain open and you were willing to ask – what would happen if you found that you were loved for just that very way of being you have. And, conversely, what if you were told that under no circumstances could that be tolerated – would you actually be prepared to continue relating and being open and honest. Would you be prepared to give that thing/behaviour/feeling up and still be fully yourself?
Being addicted to relationships is as bad and toxic for you as smoking, drinking too much and drugs. If you need someone else, and very often it’s anyone else, in your life more than facing up to what it is that makes you need them, I would very much like to encourage you to break the habit now.
Posted in Divorce Advice, Divorce and Relationships, Makeup or Breakup | Tagged addiction, bridget jones, relationship breakdown, vulnerable | Leave a Comment »
Does your divorce make you feel like you are a reject, been thrown back on the pile, totally worthless, and crying in pain? Even if you chose the divorce do you feel that you have maybe rejected a chance to work at something, put yourself back out on the pile, worthless because you couldn’t fix your relationship?
See, divorce works both ways – both sides can feel rejected and worthless. And I bet that surprises you! The first thing to do at this stage is recognise that you aren’t a reject – you are perfectly imperfect!
A reject pair of jeans might be a pair where the stitching of the legs comes not up the sides as they should, but up the front of your knees – I bought a pair like that once and it was really annoying as I didn’t notice the flaw when I was in the shop and the shop was in Lanzarote so there was no chance to take them back and be refunded my money! I did wonder though if my legs were perhaps a strange shape and maybe I was at fault and the jean makers were making things to fit other people perfectly! I really liked these jeans, the material was so soft, they clung to me and looked fantastic, it was just the seam of the right leg which didn’t work. We were just not meant to be and they were not meant to hang in my wardrobe! Imagine my horror when I found out that twisted seam jeans were trendy, but not for me!
You see relationships are just the same, you can try them on and then discover that in fact one size doesn’t fit all, and sometimes one style doesn’t suit you. The ‘flaw’ might be something which isn’t transparent immediately or you change shape or the colours fade.
You haven’t been rejected and you haven’t rejected someone else – that is not a useful way to look at a relationship breakdown – what’s happened is you don’t suit one another any longer. Time for new jeans me thinks.
Posted in Divorce Advice, Divorce and Relationships, Inspiring through Divorce | Tagged dumped, flawed, jeans, rejection, relationship breakdown | Leave a Comment »
Your divorce is a direct reflection of you and that’s part of the reason it can be so uncomfortable. Your life is all about you and your relationships are all about you. If you weren’t in them there wouldn’t be a life or a relationship so it stands to reason that you are the lynchpin of your world – don’t you agree?
As a child Jackanory was one of my all time favourite TV shows. I loved the faces the readers made, I loved the voices, they made the stories come alive and I was drawn right into them and anticipated each page turn with excitement and wonder of what would happen next. Then we grow older and find that what we perceive as reality comes into play and that the stories are just a tad too much imagination and not enough reality. Even the books we read we believe are just novels, there isn’t any truth in them – how wrong can we be? All novels start somewhere and in most cases they are based upon some form of personal experience, or drawn from other people’s stories. Anything which can be thought of or imagined can be true and that includes love, warmth, peace and happiness.
The trouble is our conditioning – society, parental, schooling, partners etc all have an effect on how we believe and see the world and our surroundings. We stop believing that things are possible, we stop dreaming, we stop living and start existing in a vacuum of rules, restraints, and making do with whatever is to hand.
If your divorce is about you – how’s it going – what are you noticing about the feedback you’re getting – what is there that is really driving you nuts? One client of mine was getting irate, upset and ill because her husband wasn’t helping to move the divorce forward – and yes 10 years is a long time! When I asked her if she had done everything she could to expedite matters, it turned out that she had been holding back from giving her solicitor some key information. This was about her, not him. In my own situation I recognised that while I was complaining about my husband’s stubbornness, I was in fact doing exactly the same.
My divorce has taught me more about myself and how to accept responsibility for my own actions than anything else. I didn’t used to see how I got in my own way. I didn’t see that I was doing things ineffectively. I didn’t want to acknowledge and respect my husband for having the same wishes I had – those of financial security and the love of our children. I learned to look at my actions and take responsibility for them. I learned that giving meant that I could get peace of mind.
Ask yourself this question – how can it possibly be true that I don’t have what I want? And if your answer is the house, majority of the money, orthe children – ask yourself another question – what will they give me? Rest assured that your answer will be the same one as your partner’s and that is what you are fighting about - let go of that desperation, of believing it’s unfair, of retaliation – they’re poison and there’s just no point in drinking it.
Remember what reading a book is like, putting it down at the end of a chapter, fill yourself with anticipation for the beginning of the next one – wonder and imagine what could happen, build a picture which excites you – unshackle yourself from the handcuffs which hold you stuck , look forward to turning the page of your life. You are your own main character, but who are you allowing to write your story?
Posted in Divorce Advice, Divorce and Relationships, Inspiring through Divorce, divorce | Tagged Jackanory, new chapter, relationship breakdown | Leave a Comment »
Below is a link to an article featued in Resolution’s Alternative-news and describes perfectly how an individual can be best helped by a coach when going through the divorce process. Although it is aimed specifically at Collaborative Law, I would argue that those who are not prepared to accept the choice of making a joint decision together and who prefer to have the judgement of a stranger telling them what to do would benefit equally and quite possibly even more.
Interestingly I was speaking with a client yesterday about his own case – he has reached a separation agreement and is now proceeding to the final figure stage. His ex has historically not been good at making decisions, she has employed a solicitor who deals with everything - this solicitor generates superfluous letters, he stalls the process, and she refuses to mediate with my client.
There are many people who are too scared of making the wrong decision, of wanting to be told what to do so that they can point the finger at someone else and say ‘they made me’. If you or your ex fall into either of these categories, please remember to stay open and flexible as this will determine the cost and length of the divorce being finalised. Your solicitor can and will help you find different options and only a few are keen to drag out a divorce making it acrimonious and ensuring a win:lose situation.
Most family law solicitors’ intentions are for their clients to get back on their feet and resuming normal life as quickly as possible. If your solicitor is not working in a way which feels comfortable or right for you, consider what the long term effects of his/her influence will be – is this someone you really want on your side?
Coaching is a quick and cost effective method to ensure that you are strong and know what and why you are negotiating the way you are. It cuts through the flannel and hones into your motivation – be it peace, revenge, happiness, get it over and done with, move on or a myriad of other reasons!
The link I mentioned above to December 2007 issue of Resolution ENews
Posted in Divorce Advice | Tagged collaborative law, divorce, marriage breakd, mediation | Leave a Comment »
